Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
