I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
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