did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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