I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
