She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
