when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
