I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I need to calm my uterus...
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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