Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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