this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
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When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
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And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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