Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
me + whiskey = a bad person
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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