The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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