yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
