we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
