Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
