Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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