So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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