why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
