I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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