my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
