she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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