Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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