I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I wish there were birth control emojis
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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