They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
