I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
