remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
