when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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