did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
