Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Banned from zoo.
Again?
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
The air was thick with penises
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
