she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
