so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
