ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Randomize
