I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Come see our sink grown plant.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
