you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
