i don't plan on having that self control this summer
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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