If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
