I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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