I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
