Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
