i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
