Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
