Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
