im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I did not marry a roomba.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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