oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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