Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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