So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
