There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
