You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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