just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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