listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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