Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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