i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Operation Purity has been aborted
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
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