You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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