Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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