so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
