She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
